Because It Can’t Be Measured At All, Actually.

I love you more than the fat kid dig his cake
I love you more than the U in FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.
I love you more than a pimp loves money.
I love you more than Mickey loves Minnie.
I love you more than the birds love the bees.
I love you more than bees love honey
I love you more than there are stars in the sky and fish in the sea.
I love you more than the devil loves to sin.
I love you more than madness, more than waves upon the sea.
I love you more than summer rose needs the rain.
I love you more than flies love crap.
I love you more than Romeo loves Juliet.
I love you more than sunshine on a cloudy day.
I love you more than being pantless on a home-alone day.
I love you more than life itself.
I love you more than the tears that kisses the cheek.
I love you more than the vampires’ need for blood.
I love you more than the werewolves howl under the full moon.
I love you more than the words in a dictionary.
I love you more than the mud in a ditch.
I love you more than sweat on my back on a scorching hot day.
I love you more than you love your beer.
I love you more than a NSF with his beanie.
I love you more than afternoon nap.
I love you more than the milk that comes from a cow.
I love you more than the protein in an egg.
I love you more than the tissue papers on a flu day.
I love you more than the baby suck his milk.
I love you more than gold under the rainbows.
I love you more than the despair of a signal flare in the desert.
I love you more than a crowd in a stadium.
I love you more than the helium filled in balloons.
I love you more than a Friday night.
I love you more than a Saturday.
I love you more than laughters on Sunday.
I love you more than retail during Christmas.
I love you more than hairy men need their cologne.
I love you more than the fats around your buttocks.
I love you more than an unexpected conversation.
I love you more than a rocket in smoke.
I love you more than the silicon in Pamela’s Anderson’s boobs.
I love you more than a 1,000 years old’s wrinkles.
I love you more than infinity plus one.
I love you more than anything that matters.
I love you more than I have ever found a way to say it to you.
I love you more than ever, more than time and more than love.

What Makes A Man

Decision is defined as the act or process of making up one’s mind; determination, as of a question or doubt, by making a judgment. We make these judgement everyday, whether its life changing or not, there’s always a consequences. Consequences affects people and there’s always a price to pay. Like it or not, decisions normally come with regrets. Making decisions is like playing a game of lottery, some say it’s 50-50, either you win or you lose while some arithmetic freaks will coin up some nutty fruitcake in-depth probability equation on the right and wrong. I like to believe not all wrongs are wrong and what some perceive as right might not be well.. Entirely right. Ambiguity is a word I like because everything is ambiguous.

Making a decision and living by it for better or worse is the mark of a true man. Having regrets and things, it just takes your time away. Someone told me a road without obstacles probably leads no where. It’s too easy brooding over ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only’ and that is what I’m still learning to come to grip.

I’ve been in a mess, withdrawn and in a constant state of self-reproach. That forlorn figure I cut out in the mirror says pathetic and I hate myself so much lately its not even funny. Behind the confident self I portray is a broken, shattered soul. Truth be told, my biggest weakness is the everest expectations I have for myself and my quest to be a better man. My eagerness in bringing the best out of myself for everyone around me even when they didn’t expect anything from me. You can call it egoistic but I prefer to call it my mission. Happiness to me is not being contend myself, it’s the smile that I bring out on others that convert my frown upside down. I live by the rule of not expecting anything from anyone, to avoid disappointment because not all things turn out the way I want but I never want people to live by my rule. Not trying to be noble or anything, I just want to be the sunlight that’s shines on darkness. Right now, I’m no where near. It’s not easy to be super and I deserve more love.. From myself.

All I ever want now is my sticky situation to be resolved before I know what my next step will be. I foresee hardship coming but that’s only right for a growing young man to pull through the test of time. I will survive and I will be stronger and better. Get there or die trying. It’s me against the world, alone and it shall be.

Dear almighty, give me the midas touch of gold in everything I undertake. Give me strength when I’m too weak to pull myself up from the all time low. Love the people I love when I couldn’t be there for them. I don’t know what to believe in except that you really might be there.

Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets.
Henry A. Kissinger

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Life Is No Wonderland

Nobody says falling in love is easy, and as Aerosmith quoted, ‘falling in love is hard on the knees’. But who am I to talk about being in love when I’ve never ever loved before? Falling in love is indeed hard… to fall for the right person.

The reason why I choose to remain single for so long is because of my refusal to allow someone to come in my life and fuck up that imaginary perfect lover I etched in my heart. We have no control over what comes our way, we are never in the driver’s seat when it come to choosing the right person to fall in love with. I have seen perfect examples of how people put themselves in situation which were clearly not tailored for them and seen unnecessary cases of total annihilation of the mental state. Love takes hostages and we are all victims. I will only be stupid to trust this game completely.

I may sound cynical but don’t get me wrong, I’m a believer of the elusive true love. It’s just that unless I get the feeling of neutron star collision, any other emotions are just plain psychological garbage. Love is not a word we are suppose to use excessively, they are as sacred as the holy grail, at least to me.

Being cautious with my heart can only do good to me, it beats giving it to someone wholeheartedly (pun intended) and let them make hamburger out of it.

Good thing comes to those who wait but on the other hand, the person I’m waiting for might have pass me by. Sometimes I think I just need to stop loving myself, let my guards down and do everything wrong just so it might turn out right.

Sick and tired of this one way highway to nowhere.

To Love

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988)

Beautifully Fucking Illustrated

I might have alot in my mind, but I never really like to share them.
but.. the least i could do is to bring you to a whole new place where I will still be with you.

http://beautifullyfuckingillustrated.tumblr.com/

WordPress here, not dead at all. Just the occasional personal rants now.
With much loves.

Retreat

What are the underlying rules behind expectation?

Life’s about expecting. We go to bed every night, expecting the next day. We set our alarm expecting it to set off and ring. We expect that the water will just flow when we turn on the tap, expect that the toothpaste will ooze out like an albino slug if we squeeze it.

But beside expectations from these habitual routine, what do we look for in humans? That set of targets and judgement we lay out unknowingly to each and every single one around us, people that are part/not part of our life.

There’s always a level of gauge for everything in life and truth be told that we spent almost our whole life just trying to hit the bull eyes of these incognito dart- board. In analogy, if these supposition laid upon us are the objectives of a shooting game , this makes the expectant the shooter and us the  bullet.

Let’s say the physics are already wrong in the first place, how are we suppose to hit those mark? Defy science and bend the time continuum just to twirl and swivel to the intended point?

Disappointment  has a hand in everything and it’s no exception in expectations. I spent more than two decades of my life trying to even out the maths of disappointment and happiness and yet concluded nothing. It’s easier to be a letdown because there’s no effort involved. Don’t blame me for being cynical but  I am starting to live by the golden rule of not expecting anything from anyone , my heart’s looking like a tortured soldier already. Not going to give a flying fuck anymore,  what’s the point of giving your all to everyone while they are just half-hearted about you. Patronising and fake sympathy, that’s how the whole system works.

It’s a war between the heart and mind for we can only chose one, never satisfying both.

I don’t wish to be happy, I just need to be okay.

Dare You To Move

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?

Not That Scene

The only people who don’t know that Derek loves Meredith are Derek and Meredith.

- Addison Montgomery

If only it’s like that.

I Forgot What Love Is

This perpetual void yearns to be filled one day.
That gaze when i looked into your eyes, it’s supreme collateral damage.