Making a decision and living by it for better or worse is the mark of a true man. Having regrets and things, it just takes your time away. Someone told me a road without obstacles probably leads no where. It’s too easy brooding over ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only’ and that is what I’m still learning to come to grip.

I’ve been in a mess, withdrawn and in a constant state of self-reproach. That forlorn figure I cut out in the mirror says pathetic and I hate myself so much lately its not even funny. Behind the confident self I portray is a broken, shattered soul. Truth be told, my biggest weakness is the everest expectations I have for myself and my quest to be a better man. My eagerness in bringing the best out of myself for everyone around me even when they didn’t expect anything from me. You can call it egoistic but I prefer to call it my mission. Happiness to me is not being contend myself, it’s the smile that I bring out on others that convert my frown upside down. I live by the rule of not expecting anything from anyone, to avoid disappointment because not all things turn out the way I want but I never want people to live by my rule. Not trying to be noble or anything, I just want to be the sunlight that’s shines on darkness. Right now, I’m no where near. It’s not easy to be super and I deserve more love.. From myself.

All I ever want now is my sticky situation to be resolved before I know what my next step will be. I foresee hardship coming but that’s only right for a growing young man to pull through the test of time. I will survive and I will be stronger and better. Get there or die trying. It’s me against the world, alone and it shall be.

Dear almighty, give me the midas touch of gold in everything I undertake. Give me strength when I’m too weak to pull myself up from the all time low. Love the people I love when I couldn’t be there for them. I don’t know what to believe in except that you really might be there.

Accept everything about yourself – I mean everything, You are you and that is the beginning and the end – no apologies, no regrets.
Henry A. Kissinger

The reason why I choose to remain single for so long is because of my refusal to allow someone to come in my life and fuck up that imaginary perfect lover I etched in my heart. We have no control over what comes our way, we are never in the driver’s seat when it come to choosing the right person to fall in love with. I have seen perfect examples of how people put themselves in situation which were clearly not tailored for them and seen unnecessary cases of total annihilation of the mental state. Love takes hostages and we are all victims. I will only be stupid to trust this game completely.

I may sound cynical but don’t get me wrong, I’m a believer of the elusive true love. It’s just that unless I get the feeling of neutron star collision, any other emotions are just plain psychological garbage. Love is not a word we are suppose to use excessively, they are as sacred as the holy grail, at least to me.

Being cautious with my heart can only do good to me, it beats giving it to someone wholeheartedly (pun intended) and let them make hamburger out of it.

Good thing comes to those who wait but on the other hand, the person I’m waiting for might have pass me by. Sometimes I think I just need to stop loving myself, let my guards down and do everything wrong just so it might turn out right.

Sick and tired of this one way highway to nowhere.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988)

http://beautifullyfuckingillustrated.tumblr.com/

WordPress here, not dead at all. Just the occasional personal rants now.
With much loves.

Life’s about expecting. We go to bed every night, expecting the next day. We set our alarm expecting it to set off and ring. We expect that the water will just flow when we turn on the tap, expect that the toothpaste will ooze out like an albino slug if we squeeze it.

But beside expectations from these habitual routine, what do we look for in humans? That set of targets and judgement we lay out unknowingly to each and every single one around us, people that are part/not part of our life.

There’s always a level of gauge for everything in life and truth be told that we spent almost our whole life just trying to hit the bull eyes of these incognito dart- board. In analogy, if these supposition laid upon us are the objectives of a shooting game , this makes the expectant the shooter and us the  bullet.

Let’s say the physics are already wrong in the first place, how are we suppose to hit those mark? Defy science and bend the time continuum just to twirl and swivel to the intended point?

Disappointment  has a hand in everything and it’s no exception in expectations. I spent more than two decades of my life trying to even out the maths of disappointment and happiness and yet concluded nothing. It’s easier to be a letdown because there’s no effort involved. Don’t blame me for being cynical but  I am starting to live by the golden rule of not expecting anything from anyone , my heart’s looking like a tortured soldier already. Not going to give a flying fuck anymore,  what’s the point of giving your all to everyone while they are just half-hearted about you. Patronising and fake sympathy, that’s how the whole system works.

It’s a war between the heart and mind for we can only chose one, never satisfying both.

I don’t wish to be happy, I just need to be okay.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?

The only people who don’t know that Derek loves Meredith are Derek and Meredith.

- Addison Montgomery

If only it’s like that.